Friday, April 18, 2008

Step 6: Game Day

Scientists, listen up: you may have your theories and your intimate knowledge of the inner-workings of the machines circa The Singularity, however come Game Day (The Singularity), we're willing to bet our bunker that the only thing that will matter that day is cold, hard survival.

That's where we come in.

We'd like to tell you that come Game Day, your only friend is your gun(s), however do not ever forget that they themselves are machines and can never be your friend. Your gun(s) are only a/some servant(s), and should the robots of The Singularity manage to commandeer or "hack" your gun(s), you will begin to realize your fatal error: trust.

We are going to take the approach of preparing for the worst-case scenario, because frankly, that's what The Singularity is always. You need to be prepared to fight with whatever is on hand. That means: empty guns, bows and arrows, swords, pitchforks, and rope. You must be thrifty and brave. The Singularity robots will likely trick you with empty offers of friendship; they may even be so sophisticated as to perfectly replicate the appearance of another person. Fight your instincts and chuck whatever you have in your emergency pouch right for the back (the most likely location of the battery pack -- the central nervous system of a robot).

And let's not forget rocks. Rocks are the lifeblood of the planet and nature's greatest gift in our battle to preserve Her grandeur. Rocks are everywhere. They are heavy, dense, and durable. They are poor conductors and of no interest to robots (*Note: Many rocks contain ore of metals, and would perhaps be of tremendous interest to robots). Speaking of metallic rocks, some rocks are what great men have called "lodestones." They are born deep in the Earth, and as they cool, the Earth's magnetism is locked in their iron core. Little Earths, a lodestone may be the greatest treasure come The Singularity. Recall the importance of knowing magnetism, as otherwise a lodestone may appear to be but a stone. Robots will fall to their hydraulic knees in the face of these stones, and realizing your mastery of magnetism will obey even your most flippant demands. The authors have spent many years collecting lodestones and storing them underground. Mathematically a compass behaves mindlessly within twenty miles of our compound (we are hidden within USGS surveys as simply a "anomalous declination," but come the day of The Singularity we will be a "anonymous detonation").

Now that we've discussed rocks, we can talk about the happy byproduct of collecting them: holes. Robots and computers are notoriously bumbling and unable to look down. No perfect hole algorithm yet exists, we think. We think The Singularity robots will be unlikely to be concerned with such trivial topics. We recommend you learn the art of constructing deep death fall pits lined with punji sticks. Learning the vast expanse of booby traps at your disposal will make you a god among robots after The Singularity. They will be unable to classify or combat your seemingly privative defenses. Even robots of war are only trained in modern combat, which will have no value after The Singularity.

After rocks, holes, and traps, the most important thing you will learn is the importance of avoiding detection. As already mentioned, robots see in the infrared, and of course hiding in cool waters on clear days is the best strategy (as followed religiously by the authors) but we cannot realistically expect all of you to be so cunning. And even we have to be ready for Game Day when we occasionally venture from the cool waters. Keep silver paint within arms reach at all times. Covering yourself in a metallic disguise may be sufficient for fooling more apathetic robots. Also, the metallic paint will alter your albedo, and cause your infrared profile to drop off as your cease to emit light as a true blackbody. However, this effect is minimal; you are mostly trying to look like a robot. Practice speaking their language: binary, hissing, and C++.

Congratulations, if you follow these tips and keep cool, you might just make it through the first day. It goes without saying, that over the course of this day, as you struggle throwing rocks and evading attention, you are the whole time, making your way seawards. Even the most brilliant survivalists will ultimately fall within days as the robots rapidly adapt, and this is a battle that can only be won at sea.

1 comment:

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